My blogs have previously been available only on my personal website, for which my web space company actually refunded me some money because they felt sorry for me that my monthly bandwidth usage was so far below the limit. However, during the past six weeks while I’ve been simul-posting the blogs to MySpace, I’ve written more than ever before, I’ve surged in readership and feedback at an eye-popping rate, and overall my writing has enjoyed the most undeserved acclaim since A Million Little Pieces.
A few aspiring writers have asked me: “How can I become a better writer, and get more people to read my work?” Well, earning fame within the literary community is certainly not easy. There are dozens – if not hundreds – of writers on MySpace who regularly craft stunning works of humor, inspiration, wisdom and wit. Many of them could themselves be published. But if you truly possess talent and skill with the written word, Top Bloggerhood can be yours. After observing all of the most successful writers on MySpace during my brief tenure, I have discovered the single most important factor to keep in mind during your quest to become a great writer, and I will now share it with you:
RANKINGS ARE EVERYTHING.
The genius of MySpace is that the site reduces everything to numbers. Much as the “Top 8″ on your friend’s profile tells you mathematically how good of a friend you are, the Most Popular Blogs ranking list tells you mathematically how good of a writer you are. Ascending these lists is what most of the Top Bloggers strive for day in and out, and it is what you too must struggle to achieve. But how can you improve your rankings in order to become a truly great writer? Following are what I have noted to be the most effective steps.
1) Pimp yourself like a twenty-dollar whore.
The only way for your writing to be recognized is for it to be linked from every nook and cranny of MySpace. Place links to your blog in any area where you have editing privileges. Join groups devoted to blogging, and locate the self-pimping threads. If you publish a new entry, pimp it there. If you edit the entry to fix a broken link, pimp it again. If you post to pimp someone else, make the link secretly direct people to your own blog instead. Views equal rankings, and remember, RANKINGS ARE EVERYTHING.
2) Win celebrity endorsements.
Seek out other great writers, and comment on their blogs in bulk. Your writing is validated by gaining the endorsement of a Top Blogger. Of particular importance is having the first comment directly following the end of their blog entry, so make sure you refresh your list of subscribed blogs every minute or so. When you see a new one appear, click over to it, scroll down and hit “Add Comment” immediately. Under NO circumstances read the blog, or you will not be first. You need not have anything relevant to say, and indeed it’s better not to, because a thoughtful comment will only slow you down. A simple “First, bitches!!” is elegant and effective.
3) Exploit the system.
MySpace’s blog server contains many loopholes that you can use to your advantage to make sure your blog attains maximum rankings and exposure. Always post at the crack of dawn, so that all of your views count towards one day’s rankings. (Why post during normal waking hours and split your views uselessly between two days?) Don’t forget to change the timestamp on your blog to something much later in the day, so that it lingers bulletproof at the top of all your subscribers’ lists as a “NEW” post. Making minor edits throughout the day is more work but has the same effect.
4) Take on all comers.
Remember, great writing is a competition. Many Top Bloggers will helpfully issue challenges and contests in a no-holds-bared cage match for blogging dominance. These are the perfect opportunity to prove what a great writer you are. Participate in all of them. Enter yourself into every Blog Olympics, Blog Triathlon and Blog Bake-Off. If you can win or even place highly, your supremacy as a poignant literary mastermind will be assured.
5) If you are a good-looking female, post revealing pics.
Never mind the noble conviction with which many established writers on MySpace praise the virtues of “real bloggers” and express the wish to see their talents recognized. Yes, most of them do truly want to see good writing exposed. They also truly want to see skin exposed. So if you’re a beautiful woman, use that to your advantage. Ensure that your main profile image lays bare your considerable assets as a writer. NOTE: If good looks are in short supply, you may substitute more flesh. Even a very plain girl may become a great writer if her profile image is three pixels away from showing nipple. Nipple equals rankings, and…
…say it with me, folks…
RANKINGS ARE EVERYTHING.
So many literary hopefuls are out there, scrambling to get noticed and become the next great writer of our time. While a true artist never reveals all of his secrets, I too feel that so much talent goes unnoticed on MySpace, and I hope that these few tips I have humbly suggested lead those up-and-comers to unlock the true potential in their words. In time, it is my sincere wish that they will earn all the fame and fortune that their ranki–I mean their writing, deserves.
