Emptying Out the Desk Drawer of the Casual Writer’s Mind…

• On the subject of the latest hot invention on the market: The only good thing about this device is that it takes over a minute to cycle through all the codes, so while some asshole is poking this thing at the TV over the bar where you’re enjoying a beverage, there’s time for you to notice what they’re trying to do and slap it out of their hand.
• Hey Lindsay Lohan, there’s a lesson to be learned from a piece of 35mm film: if you get overexposed, you’re just going to be thrown away in the end.
• But the good news is, between you and Paris Hilton, only one of you is likely to still have an acting career a year from now. Sorry, Paris.
• High on the list of situations under which I would seriously consider electing to undergo euthanasia: a life without cheese.
• Think carefully and answer truthfully. Are you that faceless individual who goes out driving during the first snow of the year, and never exceeds 20 mph even though it’s just a light dusting? If so, everybody hates you.
• (More on winter stupidity in a future column.)
• It seems like every year, there’s a new TV movie version of A Christmas Carol with a different “all-star cast”. What can anyone possibly add to this story anymore?
• Chase the Cat’s Housecat Tip #17: “Do you have a lazy owner who insists on sleeping in on weekends? Do what I do: scratch around in your litterbox for awhile, then climb up and put a paw right in his face. I guarantee he’ll be out of bed in no time.”
• When I was given notice of Jim Carrey playing the part of Count Olaf in the film version of the Series of Unfortunate Events, at first I wasn’t sure about that choice. But now that I’ve seen the preview…I absolutely loathe it. Apparently the formula used for this role was: Grinch – green fur = Olaf.
• Having someone special to spend your leisure time with can really make an otherwise dreadful day exciting. You know the kind I mean: the ones who cause you to break out in a secretive smile just thinking about them.
• If you like to laugh and you don’t yet own Dane Cook’s CD, just what exactly is your problem? Do you need a loan?
• The other day at work, someone was playing music really loudly after hours, after we’d already spent the bulk of the day being buffeted by an oceanic assault of sound waves. I asked him how he could stand it and if he could just turn it down a bit…and during the uncomprehending stare with which I was greeted, it occurred to me: am I finally starting to get old?
• I guess I’m okay with that as long as I still have my cheese.