The plane which promises passage to Minneapolis is about the size of a single wing on the jet parked at the next gate, but this didn’t really concern us until about 25 children in billowing blue shirts came swooping down the ramp towards us like a flash flood. During the flight, the kicking of my chair isn’t so bad when I close my eyes and pretend it’s a massage feature.

Our flight arrives without any children being slaughtered and we check in to the Crowne Plaza hotel. Look, a room with a view! It’s a window of opportunity; it’s a glowing portal with a view of adventures ahead! It’s…

Never mind.

As this picture shows, Bloomington MN is not exactly constructed with the pedestrian in mind. Looks like it’s going to have to be the hotel shuttle. We’ve only just arrived, but it’s time to get serious and make our most important stop of the trip…

*cough* Let’s get down to business, shall we?

What is this?! You know the country is going down the tubes when you can’t even linger at Abercrombie & Fitch while packing heat. Looks like I’ll have to leave my cache of firearms outside.

The Mall of America unfolds upward and outward beyond imagination. It has its own indoor amusement park, but what discriminating consumer could expect any less from their shopping experience?

It also proudly sports its own aquarium. And here I was just now feeling hungry for an underwater adventure! How about let’s make this our first stop.

Ooh, it’s one of those underwater glass tunnel thingies like they show on cruise ship commercials. Inside a shopping mall.

Perhaps even more surprising than the existence of a petting tank for stingrays is that they really seem to dig having their backs rubbed. This little fellow splashes against the tank wall seeking my attention.

Look, a blue cockroach!

Join America on its continuing errand to celebrate mediocrity. Wear this sweatshirt and make a bold and immutable declaration to the entire world that New York City might get the Olympics in seven years!

The high class refreshment of sushi with the quality of an American shopping mall. Oh, Jen!

At the Mall of America, no need shall go unfulfilled. One may well fear that a lifelong bond of matrimonial bliss with one’s shopping partner might be neglected among these. Let us rejoice in knowing this is not the case.

Here we are taking a load off at the Rainforest Cafe after a day of hardcore mallratting. Time to relax, so let’s go back to the hotel and take a nice soothing dip in the pool.

The Crowne Plaza unabashedly stands in defiance of Moms all over the world and everything they ever warned you about mixing eating with swimming. Don’t forget the “pop”; it’ll lend buoyancy as you’re cramping up near the deep end.

Day one of training begins as we approach the main hive.

Part of one of the buildings that make up the corporate campus…at least it was until it struck an iceberg in the north Atlantic and sank to its doom.

This impressive spade plowing a course across the landscape is just one of four such, arranged like spokes and adjoined by a lobby rotunda.

Not again! Can a rootin’ tootin’ shootin’ hombre get no quarter anywhere in Minnesota for himself and his peacemakers?

This entryway is so angular and modern that it practically begs to be photographed in black and white.

Installer training in progress. If this looks more like a party to you than a training session, that’s probably because you need glasses.

Two plasma TVs, successfully mounted to the wall for practice! But we’d better break for refreshments, before that guy in white karate-chops one of them.

Ah, that classic snack combination: cookies and water.

Not content to merely fellate themselves over their accomplishments, the company also fills their lobby with exhibits celebrating their competitors’ demise, such as this morbid diorama depicting a poor fellow from Montgomery Ward, another victim of retail irrelevance.

Nakomis?!

The shadows grow long over Richfield MN, and golden-white rays trickling down through a nectarine sky herald the day’s end. It’s time to go find some fun activities for our downtime, so we’re off to downtown Minneapolis.

We decide to drop by the Metrodome and see how our old acquaintances the Minnesota Twins are holding up. Johan Santana is on the mound against the Royals and tickets are $17…game fucking on.

The white ant in the middle winds up to pitch to the grey ant…

…while Minnesotans show their unwavering support.

It’s been a long week, and Minnesota has borne the fruit of knowledge and entertainment for five days, but now the time approaches when we must depart for the airport once again. So long, Minneapolis skyline!

Our plane departs from gate A14, and what you see here is not an illusion: our gate is the very last one at the end of an airport terminal that stretches for about a mile. At least there are no children. Bring on St. Louis!