The city of Boston drops hazily out from under us as our plane lifts off for the city where Clark Griswold’s station wagon got chopped out from under him by street thugs. A bigger aircraft this time and no children in sight…so far so good. We’re a bit hungry and all they’ve got on the plane are pretzels…but we’ll find a place for dinner when we get to the hotel.

We may be ready for St. Louis, but is St. Louis ready for Neil “The Real Deal”? Doubtful. Who gave Neil the nickname “The Real Deal”? Neil did.

Well, the company certainly spared no expense this time. The Renaissance Grand is right in the heart of the business district and covers all the amenities I’d never be able to afford if I were actually paying for this room.

Even the view is a major improvement. But why am I standing here in the hotel room? Everyone is starving and we need to find a place to eat, fast!

There are Roman-looking buildings like this everywhere downtown, and every single one of them is closed for renovations. Can’t decide what kind of column to put on the facade of your building? Use them all.

Here’s another. What stunning architecture! What classic design! What spectacular…

…paint?

As you walk through downtown St. Louis, you are gradually overtaken by the feeling that you’re in a George A. Romero zombie movie. Every avenue is empty of life; discarded newspaper pages silently bumble across the pavement like tumbleweeds, and abandoned storefronts like this one inspire mental images of somebody packing up and leaving in a major hurry. You become the guy from 28 Days Later: “Helllloooooooo?!”

In fact, there are two kinds of building in St. Louis: empty, or merely closed. This is not what I was expecting to see! And where’s the food?!

At last! It’s not much, but it’ll do for now!

What the hell is going on here? Apparently the “Eat Great, Even Late” memo never quite made its way to this corner of the Apocalypse.

This is more like the scenery I was expecting to see! Visiting the Arch is a given, but it’ll have to wait for tomorrow…right now it’s just making me think of the fast food I’m not eating.

We finally notice a Quizno’s trying to hide from us on a side street. Good thing Neil didn’t come, because I don’t think this place has room for two Real Deals.

It took so long to find dinner that the day is already over. Oh well, there’s still tomorrow after training.

The America’s Center convention labyrinth is right in the St. Louis Rams’ back yard, and across the street from our hotel. Looks like this is where we work this week.

Each day of training consists of roughly 10% learning and 90% clapping, cheering, and rah-rah bullshit. If I weren’t behind the camera in this shot, you’d probably spot me in the crowd scowling with my head down, wishing for a satellite to fall out of its orbit and annihilate the conference room.

Time for buffet lunch! To the left can be spied white-shirted buspeople, circling the tables like carrion birds, waiting for you to neglect your meal for more than two seconds so that they can snatch it away from you.

We’re done for the day, and it’s time to visit the giant parabola thing. There really is no appreciating how monstrous this stainless steel monolith really is until you get near it. For scale, note the person sitting nearby.

An escape pod aboard the Starship Enterprise? Not quite: it’s one car on the tram that climbs to the top of the Gateway Arch. Looks comfy in the picture, but that doorway is four feet tall and the seats are about the right size for toddlers. Ouch. Any chiropractor’s office stationed near the entrance would really make a killing.

As expected, the view from the top is incredible. You’d never guess that there are no humans down there.

Since the windows are angled, you can even look straight down. Falling would be scary, but might be preferable to being back in the conference hall.

Here it is: Busch Stadium. On these grounds an 86 year old curse was broken. A few good-natured heckles are tossed our way by a group of locals who spot Sox gear on us, but we throw some choice gestures of our own at those elementary school children. UP YOURS, KIDS!

I guess the humiliation was too much for them, and they have to build a new place to cleanse away the shame.

Where was this place yesterday? I could sure have gone for a large pie with x-tra curry.

The mall was a fun experience last trip, so why not see what the St. Louis Centre has to offer? Come Watson, spending is afoot!

“Downtown Shopping at it’s Best” [sic], proclaim the banners. The St. Louis Centre offers everything a discount-hungry consumer could want, except one…

…stores.

In fact, not only is the St. Louis Centre different from the Mall of America in every way possible, it’s probably the most depressing place I have ever been…and that says a lot considering where I work.

The food court is just as barren, with the lonely exception of one Sbarro. That ad on the right is for asthma awareness, but right now I know exactly the way little Jacob feels.

Pristine garden vistas and tranquil fountain arrays promise a spectacular shopping experience that doesn’t exist.

You’re probably thinking, “Very funny, Andy. Now try going back when the place is open.” These pictures were taken at twelve noon. They opened at ten.

At least they’ve covered the basics. It’s no mall at all where you can’t stock up on samurai swords.

All right, but most of the smokers I know wouldn’t fit in there without a lot of pain.

At least there’s some nice scenery to be found on the Metrolink, and the elevators are great if you crave the aroma of fresh urine.

Here is Laclede’s Landing, which is the same old-timey cobblestoned waterfront leisure neighborhood that every major American city prides itself on…but in St. Louis.

Fishbots, transform and play funny instruments!

I had been longing to break bread at this place ever since its website mysteriously appeared on the computer at work, but like everything else in St. Louis, it’s closed. I’ll have to go back again someday if I hope to delight in the culinary artistry of Itchy Rumpe…I just hope he wears gloves when preparing the food.

You pretty much can’t go anywhere in the city without having the Arch in view, but it’s always a compelling sight.

There are other enjoyable spots in the city as well, like this Roman amphitheater-style place near the capitol, which fills the city’s quota for public areas where water spills over stone.

If you’re like me, you’ve often thought, “Wouldn’t it be great to have a place to marvel at the great moments and people in bowling history?” Our prayers have been answered.

Oh, and the St. Louis Cardinals too.

This beautiful sunset cityscape tells us it’s time to go home! So long, people of St. Louis…all twelve of you.

Was the trip a success? “The Real Deal” declares it to be so!