Advertising has become such a bloated monster – its tentacles silently entwined around every facet of daily life – that I (and I suspect many of you) have learned to tune much of it out. Sure, occasionally a catchy commercial, an amusing billboard or a slick flash ad pushes its head up out of the ether to get noticed, but for the most part they’re all a blur. My theory is that this is actually an immune reaction, and that a brave group of white blood cells have mobilized within my brain to reinforce it against the steady onslaught of ads, as though it were a mind infection.
Lately, however, I’ve noticed a trend on the web where advertisement banners are masquerading as video games. I love to play video games, so this is clearly cheating. They’re exploiting my weakness for interactivity. When my reflexes are called into duty to swat flies, beat up karate men or dislocate Paris Hilton’s jaw with a boxing glove, how can I resist? (The only exceptions are the ones asking me to somehow assist George Bush. I can’t even bring myself to do that when there’s a free laptop in it for me.)
Although a few of these banners are kind of amusing, I feel that there is a vast untapped reservoir of potential still left unexplored. So here are just a few of my ideas for video game ad banners that would really draw people in and get them playing seriously for those participation-required prizes.
Gun down the screaming child! – A sticky-faced cartoon boy is running in between tables at a busy restaurant and shrieking, while his mother chats away at a nearby table ignoring him. Plug him right in the forehead to win. (Bonus points if you manage to also get the mother with the same shot.) Prize: A free iPod, to drown out the noise next time you dine out.
Defend family values! – You are a slackjawed Conservative Christian lobbyist…and you must mash on the button to slowly drag two men away from each other before they are able to kiss, and therefore destroy America. Prize: A $1,000 “donation” to the Congressman of your choice.
Make her understand! – For this game you’re a drunk man just home from work, and the object is to keep punching your girlfriend until she finally gets it into her head how much you love her. But you’ve got to get through to her before she gets through to the police. Prize: An authentic signed baseball bat.
Make a fool of Bush! – You are Kim Jong-il, firing North Korean missiles at a dancing George Bush. Each hit makes him look like a wimp on the world stage and drives his poll numbers lower. Get his approval rating to zero before his term ends and a competent US president arrives! Prize: A Nintendo DS and a copy of “Brain Age: Train Your Brain In Minutes A Day”.
Become #1 blogger! – In this scenario you’re a curvy young girl dressed like a tramp. Each time you mash the button it takes a slutty photo of you and uploads it to your blog profile. Fill up your meter before your opponent – an intelligent-looking girl wearing glasses who is feverishly typing up quality blogs – to win. Prize: A year’s subscription to Maxim.
Smack Star Jones! – No object to this one. Just smack her a lot, because it’s fun. Prize: A copy of the book You’re Not Very Important by Douglas W. Texter.
Get to work alive! – This is a simple game of survival, with you in one car and an oblivious driver gabbing on her cell phone in the other. Smash her car off the road using your road rage before she kills you with her inattentive driving. Prize: An integrated hands-free system.
Fire the cluster bomb into Britney Spears’ vagina! – If you let fly just as scantily-clad Britney shakes her bare ass at you – her distended, fetus-swollen belly sagging below her – you can turn her womb into a scorched, infertile wasteland and spare the world any more of her offspring. Prize: Isn’t that reward enough?
