In general, fancying myself a serious literary artiste, it’s been my custom to thumb my nose at such plebeian devices as the blog tag. It’s like Kurt Vonnegut doing a crossword puzzle. I find the apparatus to be rather like camp, in both the “silly” and the “summer” senses.
Okay, okay. The truth is I’m no artist, serious or otherwise, and I admit that sometimes a tag can even be a source of inspiration. Take, for example, the one undertaken this afternoon by my friend Sarah. Her task, should she choose to accept it, was to select six of the following occupational primers and complete the thought.
If I could be a scientist… If I could be a farmer… If I could be a musician… If I could be a doctor… If I could be a painter… If I could be a gardener… If I could be a missionary… If I could be a chef… If I could be an architect… If I could be a linguist… If I could be a psychologist… If I could be a librarian… If I could be an athlete… If I could be a lawyer… If I could be an innkeeper… If I could be a professor… If I could be a writer… If I could be a llama rider… If I could be a bonnie pirate… If I could be an astronaut… If I could be a world famous blogger… If I could be a justice on any one court in the world… If I could be married to any current political figure…
She left off with an open tag, meaning that anyone may take up the mantle of taghood who wishes to. I hereby accept that challenge, but I’m going to break the rules a little. While reading through these primers, I sensed a pattern. Notice anything? That’s right! Every one of them could be the beginning of a cheesy pick-up line. So here, without any more ado, are the results of my taggage.
“If I could be a scientist, I’d observe the mating rituals of you and me, tonight, in my native habitat.”
“If I could be a farmer, I’d grow wood for you every day!”
“If I could be a musician, I’d make you sing along with me like you never have before.”
“If I could be a doctor, I’d write you a prescription for two of these and leave me in the morning.”
“If I could be a painter, I’d paint you all blush…and a little black and blue if you swing that way.”
“If I could be a gardener, I’d trim your bush in a heartbeat!”
“If I could be a missionary, you’d be in the perfect position with me.”
“If I could be a chef, I’d simmer my frankfurter in your fondue pot for hours.”
“If I could be an architect, I’d build a tent whenever you walked by!”
“If I could be a linguist, I’d be a cunning linguist for you every night.”
“If I could be a psychologist, I’d like them Jung and nubile, like you.”
“If I could be a librarian, I’d file you under me. Unless you prefer the top?”
“If I could be an athlete, I’d be a pitcher. Will you be my catcher?”
“If I could be a lawyer, I’d raise a stiff objection to you during every cross-examination.”
“If I could be an innkeeper, I’d keep it in until you’re doubly, triply satisfied!”
“If I could be a professor, my office hours would be every night and you’d be my star student.”
“If I could be a writer, I’d want you around in case I need to sharpen my pencil.”
“If I could be a llama rider…hey, aren’t you a llama?”
“If I could be a bonnie pirate, I’d steal you away right now, Bonnie.”
“If I could be an astronaut, I’d send my rocket into your Milky Way every night!”
“If I could be a world famous blogger, I’d tag you during all your lunch breaks.”
“If I could be a justice on any one court in the world, I’d hand you my briefs whenever we’re in session!”
“If I could be married to any current political figure, it’d be your figure. Now how’d you like to get in bed with my little lobbyist?”
