I hate the group Shinedown. It’s nothing personal against the members; I’m sure they’re decent enough guys. It’s just that when I hear their music, my eardrums become so angry with me for subjecting them to it, there’re whispers of mutiny. Where others seem to hear powerful, inspiring rock anthems, I hear meticulously manufactured, schleppy power ballads that are locked-on, like laser guided missiles, to the progress made by rock music in the early 90s, with the intent of blowing it to kingdom come.

The first time I heard that “Staring down the barrel of a .45″ abortion, I thought the radio station was playing a lost track from Poison or Whitesnake. When that song comes on, my mind is overrun by images of vast waves of denim-clad thirty-something chicks with ratty blonde hair flicking on lighters and holding them aloft, and it throws my G-I tract into spasms of protest. (By the way…the whole deal with bringing your lighter to a live show and raising it skyward during slow songs is now officially cliche and stupid, and should be retired immediately. It was cute fifteen years ago, but it’s time to come up with something new.)

And of course, let’s not forget their cover of the song “Simple Man” by another group I approach with loathing, Lynyrd Skynyrd. This sappy, self-indulgent Everyman song has always caused me to think of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s plane crash and consider that maybe, just maybe, there are no accidents. Shinedown’s thoroughly vile remake makes me long for history to repeat itself.

Maybe it’s because I’m too cynical, or maybe it’s because I’ve never been that Everyman, but derivative, melodramatic power rock does not make me want to sit down with my buds after a hard day at work, beer in hand, and sing along while reflecting on times gone by and what my Daddy told me about being a man. It makes me want to expel my lunch upon the turf. But I think the bitter taste in my mouth comes just as much from watching the people who listen to these cheesy ballads and coo, “Man, that is such an amazing song. So moving, ya know?” You’ve seen them: the same ones who thought Creed was, like, the greatest band ever, and that new song from Nickelback man, I know exactly what Brad’s talking about: I’ve never been a wise man, I’ve been down, and I’ve been wrong, and are we having fun yet? Ugh.

Sorry if I’m raining on someone’s happy sentimentality parade out there, but some things deserve to be rained on…and Shinedown is already all wet.