Perhaps you’ve heard about it, swooping darkly across cyberspace—physically flying through its virtual avenues and alleys like a character in the movie Hackers—a haunting revelation that promises to rattle the foundations of our society and change each and every one of our lives for the better, if only we are smart enough to listen. What I am talking about is…The Secret.

Oh, I know. You love a good secret, and I’m right there with you. But this is not just any secret. This is the secret; the whispers-in-dark-chambers-around-the-globe, capital-S, ellipses for emphasis…Secret. It is a self-proclaimed phenomenon that insists it is sweeping the nation. It is plucking individuals one by one from their mundane lives of futility and ushering them into a world that kneels prostrate at their shoes, offering upon a lush platter its every delight for the nibbling.

…The Secret…is a book, it is a musical soundtrack, and most importantly, it is a motion picture, clips of which offer themselves obligingly on the web. The film is a sort of documentary punctuated by dramatic DaVinci Code-esque shots of shadowy figures and cult-like gatherings, all of whom have conspired throughout history to prevent people like us from learning…The Secret.

…The Secret…has allegedly been known for millennia to all of history’s choicest individuals: Ben Franklin, Napoleon, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Tony Danza, and so forth, and has led them all to their success. We are also told that a massive conspiracy spanning centuries has kept…The Secret…from us, and that any who have tried to unveil its awesome truths before the unworthy masses have paid with their lives or, worse, by forcible viewings of Who’s The Boss? episodes.

So what is…The Secret? It is this: our lives are bound by what is called the Law of Attraction: everything in the Universe is attracted to other things with a similar energy. Dust particles attract other dust particles to form pebbles, asteroids, and eventually planets and stars. It works just as well with the mind: what you focus your thoughts on is what you will receive. So if you are like most people and worry too much about everything that’s going wrong, you’ll get more of the same. On the other hand, if you focus exclusively on your heart’s desire—be it wealth, fame or a handful of Gummi Worms—that is what you will instead attract. In other words: …The Secret…is to think positively. And if what you wanted doesn’t come, you simply need to want it more next time.

I will confess that the snippet of The Secret that I watched did excite me. As a crafter of fiction, the lurkings of mystifying underworldly conspirators and the promise of hidden things revealed mix up a cocktail that satisfies me absolutely, exactly as it was designed to do by those who crafted the video.

However, there is of course more to…The Secret than merely…The Secret, and it certainly didn’t take long for the meat of this enterprise to reveal itself. From the teachers of The Secret comes: The Science of Getting Rich! This set of ten audio CDs, MP3 player loaded with further audio instructions, book, action planner, and myriad other essential tools will teach you how to use…The Secret…to make yourself rich, guaranteed! And all for the low, low investment of only $1,995.

Yes, that’s a comma in that figure. Absurd, you say? Remember, you’re supposed to be thinking positively! After all, what’s two grand in comparison with the millions that await you as an official custodian of…The Secret? Besides, all you need to do is get two of your friends to buy the kit as well, and you’ll receive a check in the mail for $2,000! See? You’re already five bucks richer, for doing nothing more than thinking positively and harassing everyone you hold dear until they stop inviting you over!

As I said before, my eyes have been opened to the truth. Oh yes, my friends, I am a true believer, and now that I have joined ranks with Lincoln, Newton and Danza, I know…The Secret…to great wealth and success. It’s this: Don’t be a gullible fool, and don’t waste your money on crap like this.