"Show me the money!" sure used to be a popular line, didn't it? Back then, I would go around screaming, "Show me the money!!" at the top of my lungs all the time, and sometimes, people did it. So I decided to start yelling "GIVE me the money!!" and see if they continued to obey me. Some did, but mostly I just got arrested.

I'm allergic to love. That's the only logical conclusion I get from all this sneezing and itchy eyes, because they say Spring is the season when love is in the air. Somebody told me it wasn't love, just something called "pollen". Sure, and I bet bees don't make honey out of love either.

My car wouldn't start this morning and I had to take a cab in. I didn't want to blow that cab money a second time, so I went to a co-worker and said, "Hey, can I borrow your car really quick?" She replied, "Sure, as long as you don't get into an accident." I assured her that I wouldn't. So I drove her car home, and here I am.

They're lying when they say that "beauty lies with simplicity." If that were true, I'd be getting laid by hot women all the time.