Sometimes, when I’m depressed, I like to take a pen out to my mailbox, and add a "P" to the beginnings of all the letters that say "Resident." Then I put them all back, go back inside, and come out again, and I open up the mailbox and say, "Oh! These must be for me!" After that I’m usually still depressed, just not as much as before.

I think that all the world’s leaders should be forced to wear burlap all the time. Then they’d be so itchy and uncomfortable, they wouldn’t even be able to think about starting wars.

Then again, if aliens happened to land, they’d ask to be taken right to our world leaders, and when they saw them they’d think that earthlings had no fashion sense. So much for that idea.

Someday, if I’m dying of some terminal illness, I hope someone asks me if I have any last wishes, so I can say, "I wish to live." I think the look of poetic helplessness on that person’s face might give me a last little bit of satisfaction as I lapse into death.

Sometimes, I look at people, always yelling and being rude to each other, and think about how silly they look. But then I see the duckbill platypus and think about just how lucky people are after all.

Lots of women say they’d be better off without men, but just think: take the men away from women, and what are you left with? "Wo." Which doesn’t mean a damn thing, just like women’s lives without men. So there!