"A Movie About Linus,"
or"Zwieback Wafers Are A Circus Clown's Only Escape."
[The scene: a busy street in Singapore. A mysterious man hurries through the bustling crowd with his head down and his hands in the kangaroo pouch of his jacket. The jacket is made entirely out of burlap, and its wide lapels hide his face. Suddenly the man ducks into an alleyway that is conveniently dark and secluded, and yet only a few feet from the mass of people in the street. There stands a small man with a mustache, dressed in peasants' clothing with Chucks to complete the effect. He is clearly nervous as the burlap man addresses him coldly in cerulean, the only language either of them speak.]
BURLAP: *Well, do you have it, Swine?*
SWINE: *I am sorry, Burlap...I do not.*
BURLAP [Grabs him]: *FOOL!!!* [Tosses him away, takes a pistol from his kangaroo pouch and aims it at Swine.] *How would you like it if I deleted you from my presence?*
SWINE: *NO, Burlap! Please have mercy on a poor ragamuffin from the sticks such as myself!*
BURLAP: *Very well, then. But I warn you: Do not fail me again!!!*
SWINE: *Don't worry, Burlap--I promise I will never give you another "F".*
BURLAP: *Good. Now then, Swine, "XYZ".*
SWINE: *"XYZ", sir?*
BURLAP: *"Examine Your Zipper".*
SWINE [looking crotchwards]: *Oh!* [Zips his pants up.] *How embarrassing!*
[They both begin to laugh nervously, and the scene fades out.]
[The scene: A small house in the even smaller yet picturesque rural town of Fucking, Massachusetts. Said house is the home of Linus Gravy and his mother. Linus is a sophomore at Fucking High School with few friends and even fewer brains. His mother is a single parent who, when necessary, has even fewer brains than he. At this moment they are in the living room. The fire, which casts dancing shadows upon the walls in the dim room, has just begun to ignite the curtains in the adjacent window. The wood-paneled walls are accented by a full-length, life-size painting of Orville Redenbacher. Linus's mother is watching her favorite TV show.]
TV: "Get ready, folks, it's time for your favorite show and mine: it's 'Time to Die' with Mr. Happy! And now, your host, that paragon of wit and charm, Mr. Happy himself: Ben Cheeeeeeeeese!!!"
[Linus (he is wearing a T-shirt that reads "Freak") is watching his mother with angst. It seems that he wants to ask her something and yet can't build up the courage (or else he is just constipated). At last he speaks up, but meekly so.]
LINUS: Hey Mom. [She does not hear him.] Hey Mom. [Still cannot hear.] Hey Mom. [She doesn't answer.]
[Goes on watching her TV show. He gets up, takes out of his pocket a Swiss-army knife on a chain, and dangles it in front of her face.]
LINUS: The tennis balls are in disguise, but they aren't fooling me or my mother!
MOM [Snapping suddenly to attention]: I'm sorry, Mrs. Malecki, could you please repeat the question?
LINUS: Mom...Marcus and the guys are going out on Halloween night—is it all right if I go with them?
MOM: No way, Pedro! Don't you think I know what kind of hijinks transpire when adolescents go out together? You know how I feel about such Tom Foolery.
LINUS: Aw, come on, Mom! You know what a hard time I've had fitting in this town. This is my big chance! If I don't, everyone will think that I'm lumpy!
MOM: Everyone already thinks you're lumpy. Look, John, you're my son, and whether I like it or not, it's my job to keep you out of trouble and show you what's right!
LINUS: But Mom, you never let me do what other kids my age are doing. First was the cream cheese thing, then whole cigar-store Indian incident at Christmas, and now this. Why won't you let me have any fun?
MOM: Know what you need? You need something constructive to do on Halloween. I'll tell you what. I'll get off work late that evening, and then I'll pick you up and we'll go grab some lemmings from the kennel and we'll feed them to the magpies in the park. We'll paint the town, right, Mike? [He hesitates.] What do you say, Bill?
LINUS [giving in]: Oh, all right, Mom.
[They both laugh and knock heads a few times as the scene fades.]
[The scene: a busy hallway between classes at Fucking High School. Linus is standing at his locker. He is testing to see if his head fits inside the upper compartment of his locker. His friend Marcus, a well-meaning idiot with little intelligence (Once when he was eight, he played Yahtzee for 945 hours straight on a bet. He won the bet, but suffered irreversible brain damage) approaches him casually, lead by his pet ocelot on a leash.]
MARCUS: So, Linus, are you going with us Sunday night?
OCELOT: Yeah, what's the story, Linus? You wimpin' out again, or are you a real wildebeest?
LINUS [with his head still inside the locker]: I am, I am a wildebeest! Only....my mom.......................................says.....NO!
OCELOT: Your mom? Listen man, screw your mom! [A look of horror captures Linus's face and one of guilt appears on Marcus's.] Okay then, don't. Then just forget about her! You're a strapping young man, Linus, you can do what you want. You don't have to listen to that wench!
LINUS: Yeah...YEAH!!! I shall go with you, Marcus! And this time, my mom won't stop me even with a hundred thousand paper plates!
OCELOT: Atta boy, Linus! See Marcus, didn't I tell you he'd come around? Didn't I huh? Didn't I?
LINUS: Great! It's all set then. Now... could one of you please get my head unstuck? [Marcus picks up Linus by the legs and yanks with all of his might.]
MARCUS: It would appear...that you are stuck fast, my friend!
OCELOT: Well, speaking of ticks, here comes Simon. He'll think of something!
[Enter Simon, a tall boy who is fair of face, has arms that extend down to his knees (the envy of everyone at school), and wears a fresh lotus flower in his hair. He sees the threesome and walks over.]
SIMON: I greet thee, friends. With what chicanery dost thou purpose thyselves this day?
MARCUS: Well, I got a tooth filled yesterday, we went down to repay our loan from Mr. Glaucoma, Linus has got his head stuck in his locker, and I got the new Victoria's Secret Catalog. [Marcus begins wrapping masking tape around his shoulder.]
SIMON: Verily, these are namable events! I do accept thou dost refer to the new catalog with Stephanie Seymour, if I amn't mistaken?
MARCUS: You got it! Golly, Miss Molly, she's one hot tamale.....
LINUS: Excuse me! But if someone would kindly come to my rescue...! [The late bell rings.]
OCELOT: Sorry, Linus, Marcus wouldn't want to be late for class. You understand, don't you? [Turns to Marcus.] Forward!
MARCUS: Yes, sir! See you later, Linus. [The ocelot leads Marcus away, and they both exit.]
LINUS: Hey, Simon, I'm kind of in a pickle. If you please....
SIMON: Loath am I to the drudgery, but I shall do't. [He ties Linus's feet to the handle of an open locker across the hall. Then he slams the locker shut, and Linus's head pops out with an audible snap.]
LINUS [twisting his neck around]: Heavens to Betsy, Simon, you've got a one fine head on those broad shoulders of yours.
SIMON: Nay, 'tis but common grind for one of my resources. Let us not tarry here; to class!
[Linus closes his locker and they head for class as the scene fades out.]
[The scene: Class class. Linus, Marcus, and Simon are sitting at the back of the room, while the teacher lectures on the importance of having class in public.]
TEACHER: So you see, students, if you want to be successful, you must have class. [A student, Tommy, raises his hand.] You have something to say, Tommy?
TOMMY [standing up]: I gotta take a whiz. Can I get a pass, Miz Teacher ma'am?
TEACHER: Excellent, Tommy! Excellent! Please come to the front of the room. Students, Tommy has just given us all a very good example of a person with no class whatsoever. We can all learn by his bad example. [Turns to Tommy.] Now sit down, you little freak.
[While poor Tommy scurries to his seat, Linus and Marcus are absently playing a drawing game at the back of the room, and talking.]
LINUS [drawing a picture of a spider on his notebook]: Challonge! [Marcus draws a bigger spider on the notebook, and then after a few seconds, Linus draws an even bigger one.] Challonge!
MARCUS: Enough, enough! You win. [He looks enviously over at where Simon is sitting.] Man, just look at those arms. Wouldn't you just kill to have arms like that? Heck, I'll just come right out and say it: I covet Simon's arms!
LINUS: Oh, it won't do any good to go around green with envy over such things! Besides, I think they're extensions.
MARCUS: No way. You really think so? No way.
LINUS: Listen, I know what's real and what's fake, and those are fake arms if I've ever seen them. The lengths some people will go to for fashion!... So, is everything all set for Sunday night?
MARCUS: You bet your macaroni salad! I've got everything we'll need, and I have a shipment coming in from Cornwall tomorrow...
TEACHER: Marcus!!! Do you have a question, Marcus?
MARCUS: Uhh...yeah...uhh...may I be excused to wash my arm?
TEACHER: Again? I suppose. Just make it quick, and be sure you have someone with you to keep the goats away. Who will volunteer? [Linus raises his hand.] Very well, Mr. Gravy, go with him.
[As Marcus and Linus get up to leave, the other classmates lower their heads in somber farewell to Linus, and those with hats remove them and cover their hearts. The two leave the room, and walk slowly down the hall.]
LINUS: So, we'll have everything. Where should we meet?
MARCUS: Behind the library. Definitely behind the library.
LINUS: Why there?
MARCUS: Because I have books overdue, so if we meet in front of the library, I might get caught! Honestly, Linus, think!
LINUS: Maybe I don't want to. Ever think of that? [He watches Marcus's surrender with satisfaction.] All right, then.
MARCUS: Well anyway, how's everything up on Gravy Mountain?
LINUS: Well, I think I'm going to just tell my mom off. She's had control over me for too long, and now it's time I settled things. [He halts for a second.] Wait a minute. Where are the goats? [They stop and look around, and the hallway is silent.]
MARCUS: I don't like this. It's too quiet.
LINUS: Wait...listen! Hear that? [A faint rustling is heard overhead just a few feet in front of them.] I need a two-pound rod of warm fried dough.
[He looks around and squeaks with delight as he sees one lying on the floor only a few feet away. He picks it up, and hurls it at a ceiling tile where the noise is coming from. It falls away, and Marcus walks over and peers up into the darkness. Suddenly his eyes grow wide--]
ARCUS: Eeeep! Run, Linus! AVALA---
[Before Marcus can get away, he is buried alive by several hundred pounds of snow and ice that suddenly pour from the opening. The avalanche continues for about half a minute, and then tapers off. Then the bell rings, and class ends.]
LINUS [calling into the glacial mound]: Well, I'll see you Sunday, Marcus.
[He starts down the hall, and Simon approaches.]
SIMON: Friend Linus, I would have words with ye.
LINUS: What's up?
SIMON: The walls have ears, and tongues as well. I have heard that thou plan'st a going-forth on All Hallow's Eve with our company. Is my wisdom stable?
LINUS [who has been trying, without success, to break his own wrist]: Wellll....I guess so. But you can't come along. There's...no one going.
SIMON: Will'st thou not be i' th' party thyself, if not another?
LINUS: Nope. There won't be anyone.
[Simon thinks about this for a second, and then comes up with a brilliant idea.]
SIMON: Enlightenment! Should we both go forth, then we'd be not less than twain, if no others. And if we serv'd Marcus with open door, three!
LINUS [realizing his defeat in this matter]: That makes sense. I guess you just can't take a hint, Simon.
SIMON: Everything is set, then! Thou dost me great gallantry, Linus. My warmest thoughts are thine.
LINUS: Whatever. All set?
SIMON: Aye! [They get down on the floor and crab-walk out of the room, and the scene fades out.]
[The scene: the next morning in the kitchen of Linus's house. The kitchen is brightly lit by bare light-bulbs screwed into the sides of the kitchen cabinets. The countertops are covered with freshly bought, unused appliances. The kitchen has an island, upon which Linus's mother is busy preparing an ice-cube salad. Linus enters from upstairs. It is almost time to leave for school, and Linus is carrying his official Fucking book bag.]
LINUS: Jeez, Mom, this bag is so heavy!
MOM: Here, let me see that, Bob. [She opens his bag and looks in.] Well, here! I have found your problem. [She lifts from the bag a large anvil.] How's that?
LINUS [testing the bag]: Hey, that's much better! Thanks, Mom. [then, hesitantly] Hey Mom, I've made up my mind: I....I'm going out on Halloween night--with Marcus and Simon.
MOM: Whaaaat did you just saaaay?
LINUS: You heard me--I'm doing something I'm not supposed to! And you know what? I don't think I feel terrible about it! In fact, I'm not sure but I think I just might be enjoying it!
MOM: Hey! Don't you talk back to me! Look at this! [She reaches into her purse and pulls out a ratty old sugar packet that says "Awful Arthur's Bar, Grill & Cotillion Dance" on the side.] You see this sugar? This has been around longer than you've been alive!
LINUS: Look, that old guilt trip just doesn't work on me anymore. I'm fed up with listening to your orders like a trained wallaby. I want to make my own, own, own decisions!
MOM: Oh, you cad, you cad! Have you no respect for the vertically challenged?
LINUS: Mom, you're not vertically challenged, you're nine foot four. And I can't believe that you actually pass yourself off as three foot eleven just to get free light bulbs at Building 19. But that's all beside the point. Like it or not, I'm going.
MOM: Well I never! It appears you've got your mind made up. Go then. But don't expect me to let you back in, Ethan! [She calls after him as he storms out of the house, then tosses her salad and exits.]
[The scene: a highway somewhere in the middle of Arizona, along the edge of a ravine. A station wagon cruises contentedly in the middle lane. In it are the Anthills, a family from Virginia. Mr. Anthill is at the wheel with his eyes constantly on the road, and a blank, goggle-eyed expression on his face, and Mrs. Anthill is in the passenger's seat, trying to keep her three children, Tyler, Eliza, and Calcaneus, a toddler who gurgles incessantly throughout the scene, in line.]
MRS. ANTHILL: Look, you two, if you don't knock it off this instant, we're just going to drop the both of you off right here and not come back. Is that what you want?!
ELIZA: But mom, Tyler hit me!
TYLER: It wasn't my fault! 'Liza was on my side!
MR. ANTHILL: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MRS. ANTHILL: You see what you've done? You've driven your poor father mad with all your horsing around! Now if you both don't pipe down, I'm going to lock you both in the back of the car. You're going to make Calcaneus cry!
ELIZA: Daddy, you're not crazy, are you?
MR. ANTHILL: Crazy crazy 'liza crazy, crazy banana na na na na!
MRS. ANTHILL: Now Tyler, you'd better stop fooling with that soda, or you'll have it all over the place!
ELIZA: Mom, how soon 'till we get there?
MR. ANTHILL: La la la la la la la! Crazy, tap tap ha ha ha boink!
MRS. ANTHILL: 'Liza, you just asked me that fifteen minutes ago. I told you—it'll be at least four hours. Now sit tight and stop complaining! [Tyler, who has been fooling around with his cup of soda, loses his grip and nearly spills it all over the place.] TYLER! [Cleans up what little soda was spilled.] I told you to stop it! You see, this is how accidents happen!
MR. ANTHILL: Ha ha ha! No, this is how accidents happen!
[Mr. Anthill, with a huge grin, swerves and drives the station wagon over the edge of the ravine. It plummets to the bottom, where it explodes in a giant fireball.]
[The scene: a hallway at FHS, on the Friday before Halloween. School is almost over for the day. Marcus is walking to his locker, and out of nowhere Simon falls through the ceiling in front of him to the floor. Simon gets up, dusts himself off, and engages Marcus in witty and stimulating conversation....let's listen in, shall we?]
SIMON: Who goes there?
MARCUS: Easy, Simon, it's just me. What in the name of gosh are you doing?
SIMON: I sojourn for Linus.
MARCUS: That's what I was doing...I think.
SIMON: Marcus! I am content that thou hast been made aware of my invention to attend thee and thy friends to go hence in three knights' time.
Says MARCUS: That's gnews to me! But I guess it's all right, if Linus said so.
SIMON: Ah, truly to thou art I related! Prithee allow me to repay this kindness in due course.
MARCUS: Hey, whatever puts your car in gear.
[They round a corner and enter the hall where Linus's locker is located. It seems he has gotten his head stuck a second time.]
LINUS: Oh, help! It looks as if I've done it again....
MARCUS: All right, Simon, grab hold of him...and now we'll pull....
SIMON: And pull....
MARCUS: And pull....
SIMON: Pull....
MARCUS: And pull....
SIMON: And pull....
MARCUS: And pull.... [All this time they have been holding Linus up in the air, and reading a bulletin board on a nearby wall.]
LINUS: Hey, would you guys mind pulling for real?!
SIMON: And pull....
LINUS: Damn it, what's going on out there?
MARCUS: Easy, Linus; we were just practicing. Okay, un, deux, trois....pull! [Linus comes flying out of the locker, luckily landing only on a Latin student. He gets up and walks back over to Simon and Marcus.]
LINUS: Ut! That wasn't so bad. Say, Marcus, things between my mom and I aren't so hot. Do you think I could stay at your house this weekend?
MARCUS: Well, my house is being fumigated, and my family and I are staying at a hotel, but you're perfectly welcome to stay there if you want. Also, you can stop by the hotel on Sunday, before we leave, and we can meet Simon that evening.
LINUS: Thanks a lot! Wild elephants couldn't keep me away!
SIMON: And so then I shall adjoin thee all at dusk. God speed, fellows!
[They part, and the scene fades.]
[The scene: a dark alley behind the Fucking Library. It is now almost dusk on Sunday night, otherwise known as Halloween. Linus is there, dressed in black spandex. He is waiting for the other three and for dark to set in so that they can begin their escapade unseen by any Fucking townspeople who might be able to identify them in a lineup. Marcus arrives, accompanied by the ocelot.]
MARCUS: Hey Linus, where have you been? You never showed up at the hotel.
LINUS [popping two small ice cubes into his mouth which he has cleverly produced from behind the ocelot's left ear]: Well, it turns out I was wrong about the wild elephants. Do you have everything?
MARCUS: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it's all here. Do you have my suit?
LINUS: Mmmm-hmmm, it's right, um, here. [He hands Marcus a black spandex suit, like the others except for a bullseye design on the front.]
MARCUS: Whaa! Red and white concentric circles! What does it mean?
LINUS: Oh, that's just a chest emblem to....strike fear into the hearts of our victims! I guess that's everything. Wow, I feel sort of queasy. This is all so new and dangerous to me!
[At this point the ocelot unwraps a Butterfinger, overpowers Marcus, and, cramming it violently down his throat, adds:]
OCELOT: Well, you're in the majors now, Linus. No hodgepodgeing around, isn't that right, Marcus?
MARCUS: Mmmmmmmmppphh! [then, swallowing down the candy bar] And when I'm king, you can be sure that horoscopes and migraine headaches will be among the first things to go!
[It is now dark, and they steal away into the night to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting denizens of Fucking. (I've always wanted to use that phrase in writing. Wreak havoc. Wreak havoc. Wreak havoc.) The scene fades.]
[The scene: The courtyard of Linmoor, the castle at the outskirts of Fucking that Simon and his family are leasing. The house of Eldridge is quite well off, and Linmoor is lavishly furnished with gold tableware, tapestries, and suits of armor, all gotten from the rental store downtown. Simon is getting ready to meet his friends, as Eldridge, his father, enters from the west gate dressed in nobleman's attire.]
Eldridge.Young Simon, thou dost thy father most unordered disarmament in this course1; Prithee tell me thy purpose2 as thou depart'st.
Simon. Ah, my liege, thy ears art ideal! I suppos'd stealth as I descended; were it not for the unruly disposition of my step3 ! However, I know not the length of to whence I wander; only that I shall return ere the morrow dawns.
Eldridge. Art thou a rogue? Dost thou leap blindly and immerse thyself in murky springs, knowing not their beds? Thou sounds't though thou hast not purpose.
Simon. There are no sparrows4 . Faith, I do believe even the idle stone hath more design than I. But narry a one shall keep me from this journey.
Eldridge. [Aside] The lad's eyes doth betray his tongue. I'll give him depart, but tag him unseen as he travels. [to Simon] Get thee gone, lad, and adhere to thy honor as thou trick-or-treat'st.
Simon. By my troth, I am off.
Exit Simon, as Lady Eldridge enters from the east gate.
Lady Eldridge. Whither goest our son, my lord?
Eldridge. He hath mistold5 me. But I shall find it when the crook-birds turn their beaks As an open flame to the gates of sanctity6
Lady Eldridge. Fare thee well, noble sage.
Be sure that you act your age.
Exeunt.
2 purpose: plans
3 unruly...step: (probably said in reference to Simon's boots, which are so old that they make too much noise when he walks)
4 There are no sparrows: We are all out of barbecue sauce.
5 mistold: flirted with
6 I...sanctity: I will begin following Simon just as soon as I finish this grilled cheese sandwich.
[The scene: a street in front of a house that Linus, Marcus, and the ocelot recognize as one of their targets. They wait for Simon to arrive. Then they begin their first pranks of the evening, while unbeknownst to them, Eldridge lurks in the shadows, watching.]
OCELOT: Aha! Here's our first hit. Ready the attack... why Marcus, have you started shedding?
MARCUS: Now that's silly. You know I only shed on Thursday nights!
LINUS: Hey, Simon, I noticed you've been using more peanut butter in your hair than usual.
SIMON: Aye! I did the deed for want of more a more colourful noggin.
[Marcus sets his pack down and opens it. From it he takes a pair of fuzzy mittens, a pad of paper and pen, an old Cool Whip container that is now filled with Oil of Olay, no less than six stolen hood ornaments, and a small wiener-dog.]
LINUS: Well well well, what a majestic thing!
MARCUS: Yes! Yes! I love him greatly, and his name is Ibuprofen.
[Marcus, so as not to make any noise, steals over to the front door of the house that, the ocelot observes with disgust, is painted something like raw umber, and sets to work. He puts the fuzzy mittens on the wiener-dog's hind paws, and then hands it the Oil of Olay. Next, he scrawls a message on a sheet of paper and hands that to Ibuprofen also. Then, after putting the hood ornaments in a little pile in the mailbox for good measure, he rings the door knocker and runs away. After some shuffling noises from behind the door, it is opened by a 30-year old woman who has obviously been getting ready for an evening of nightclubbing. She looks down and, too late, sees the wiener-dog with a gasp.]
HER: Oh no, not agaaiiiin.......
[She collapses as Ibuprofen winds up and tosses the Oil of Olay into her face. As she is wiping it out of her eyes, the wiener-dog gives her the note and then trots off.]
THE NOTE: Yuppies like you need this kind of stuff, or something! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA P.S. Your tongue is just a milk carton.
[The scene: the living room at Linus's house. The room is dimly lit and is rocking, slowly but steadily, from side to side. His mother is watching a documentary called "The Cotton Swab: Miracle or Menace?" and thinking of him and their encounter that morning.]
TV: "So you see, God is a dragon; therefore, black rocks don't exist. This is where the cotton swab comes in......"
MOM: Gee, maybe I should forgive Arnold, after all. [Begins to sing:]
Song: "You're a Good Egg, Linus Gravy."
MOM: Oh, Francis, my sweet, dear Joshua, I've been so wrong! [Scene fades.]
[The scene: Pencilsharpenerinmypocket Street, a few miles away. Linus and co. are standing a block away from the Fucking FireHouse, preparing for yet another super-silly practical joke.]
MARCUS: Here's the place! There's a Halloween party going on in there, so it's as crowded as can be. I've always wanted to do this; I'm so giddy!
[From around the corner where he has been hiding, Simon signals to the rest that the coast is crystal clear:]
SIMON [whispering]: Hie thee hither, comrades! I bid thee safe passage to enjoin the task at hand.
LINUS: All right, Marcus, you and kitty there [the ocelot snarls at him] take one side, and Simon and I will take the other. We'll each be on balconies at opposite sides of the room. Got it?
MARCUS: I hurt.
[They sneak into the FireHouse, where, as Marcus had said, a Halloween party is in full swing. As both duos reach their balconies, they see firemen and their families mingling below.]
FIRE MARSHALL HERB: ....and my son here says that he wants to follow in his old man's footsteps--isn't that right, Starky?
STARKY [in a British accent]: I say, Father, would you please kick me in the groin?
FIRE MARSHALL HERB: Certainly, my boy! I really-- [He is interrupted by the four above, who have given each other the signal and begin shouting:]
THEY: MOVIE!!! MOVIE!!! MOVIE!!!! OH MY GOD, MOVIE!!!
[The partygoers hear the cries and panic, and the party erupts into total chaos. Everyone drops what they are doing and runs around in a frenzy. There is a melée of pushing, shoving, and screaming, as they scramble to get out of the FireHouse.]
STARKY: Help! Help! I've been jostled!
OCELOT: Yes!!! It's complete and utter pandemonium! Mission accomplished!
LINUS: Mass hysteria is so lovely from this height.
[Marcus notices a younger boy sitting on a stool off in a corner of the loft. The boy is twirling a small frisbee on his forefinger.]
MARCUS: Hey, look! Who is that kid? I think I'll say something--Yes! I wanna talk to him! [He and the others walk over to him.] Hey, kid, what are you doing here?
KID: Ahm trahen tulphit zhis maishmall ehnda mah mouph.
LINUS: Bleet, bleet! Wanna toss that one again, Edgar?
KID [removing something from his mouth with his free hand]: What I said was, I'm trying to fit this baseball into my mouth.
SIMON: Why crammest thou this baseball down thy gullet?
KID: Why? [He giggles.] Because it's better than trying to fit a basketball into my mouth.
LINUS: Hey! I know who you are! Hey guys, this is that kid who's been in the newspaper! The Kid Who Sits in the FireHouse Loft and Can't Stop Twirling a Frisbee On His Finger! You're him, aren't you? You're Olfactory E. Ransom!
KID: Please, call me Ollie. Yes, that's true. I can never stop twirling this frisbee until someone utters the special word that will release me from my bonds.
OCELOT: Hey, Ollie! Hey, Ollie! Would you like to join us? We're playing pranks on the Fucking citizens.
OLLIE: Sure! Wow! Neat! What a can of Crisco that is!
LINUS: Well, then, let's get a move on. It sounds like the FireHouse has cleared out.
[Ollie and his new friends descend the steps and exit the FireHouse out the back, as partygoers continue to run around in a panic outside.]
[The scene: another dark street. It is now late, and most of the trick-or-treaters have gone home. The fivesome now reaches the last stop on its hit list: a small ramshackle house, in which lives a mime. Linus, Ollie, Simon, Marcus, his ocelot, and Ibuprofen sneak up to the window and look in, and are shocked and dismayed at what they find: the house is full of hoodlums! It's a hideout for a drug ring...!]
1ST DEALER [a small man with a goatee]: So, the deal is made. You got the jack, we got the smack. You got the need, we got the speed. You got the bills, we got the phils. You got the green, we got the--
2ND DEALER [a very large, very muscular man with a strong jaw and a balding head]: Oh, shut up, will ya? I get the message. Just keep it under your hat. We don't want anyone to know.
[And outside...]
LINUS: Oh, man...these guys are dealers! I bet they've got guns an' stuff--they're dangerous!
MARCUS: So we prank 'em?
LINUS: What else? Simon, go get Marcus's bag, s'il vous plaît.
[Suddenly, all action stops, and everyone freezes in their place.]
SOME WEIRD GUY WHO HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THE STORY AND WHO APPEARS SUDDENLY ON-CAMERA AS IF HE REALLY BELONGS THERE [facing the camera]: For those of you unfamiliar with the French language, the wacky phrase our hero Linus just used means "If it pleases you." You see, the person who wrote this has a genuine compassion for the peace of mind of his audience, and he wouldn't want anyone to be left in the dark. He's kind of funny that way. [He leaps away, out of the scene, out of the movie, out of existence, and Linus and co. resume.]
OLLIE [still twirling his frisbee and laughing]: Oh, Linus! You're such a can of Crisco!
[Simon brings Marcus his bag, and from it Marcus takes the pad and pen, six rubber bands, an electric catapult with radio control, a Barbie Power Wheels Corvette, and a can of Evenflo baby formula. He arrays the rubber bands on the catapult and ties it to the 'Vette, and then stretches the catapult back into firing position. Then Simon opens the can of formula and lays it in the catapult, and aims the car at the front door of the house. Marcus quickly scrawls another note and, using the last rubber band, ties it around the can of formula. Linus then moves into position next to the door, ready to knock on the bell.]
SIMON: Artst thou prepared, all?
OCELOT: We're ready over here, Linus! Let 'er rip!
[Linus rings the bell and darts away. In nearly the same moment, Marcus turns on the car and sets it free towards the house. The door opens, and the second dealer emerges just in time to have his face splattered with baby formula. He slips and falls on his @$$, and there is a commotion from within. The others appear in the doorway, guns drawn. They see what has happened, gather up the victimized one, and, seeing the note, unfold it, and they all read it.]
THE NOTE (not the same note as before, mind you, but rather a new note that is totally different from the last one): You dealers deserve all the baby food the rest of us can throw at you! People like you probably French-kiss the Blarney Stone and listen to Menudo! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
P.S. U R A Fool.
[At this, they all become murderously angry. They clean the baby formula from his face and look around in rage. The five are on the sidewalk, laughing like hyenas in heat, and they are spotted by the criminals.]
1ST DEALER [pointing]: Look to the east! They must have done this!
2ND DEALER: You kids there! I swear to God I'll KILL YOU!!!!
OCELOT: You don't scare us, you partially hydrogenated vitamin D fortified mouse mat!!!
[The five then run away as fast as they can. This incites the angry mob of drug dealers to run after them, shooting. Linus and the rest run screaming up the street, ducking into alleys and turning onto side roads, with the angry dealers close behind.]
[They come to a five-story abandoned apartment building, and run inside. Breathlessly, they hobble up the stairs to the fourth floor, and duck into a room full of huge boxes with a window that faces the street. Carefully, they look outside and see the criminals directly below, looking dumbfoundedly around for them.]
2ND DEALER: I think I saw them hide in these bushes. Look all around; they've got to be somewhere nearby!
OCELOT: What do we do, Linus?!
MARCUS: Hey, how about the boxes? The boxes!
LINUS: Boxes, boxes...boxes... [He ponders what is so familiar about boxes as piles of them loom prominently behind him] ...boxes, boxes--boxes! Hey Simon, what's in those boxes over there?
SIMON: Alas, my wits are turned. As I am, within these boxes there are dozens on dozens of crockeries!
LINUS: Crock pots.........Crock pots! Are you quite sure? I mean, really, Simon, that is, are you absolutely sure?
SIMON: For my particular, I am positive.
LINUS: This is perfect! Ollie, bring those boxes over here to the window and begin handing me some of the crock pots.
[A few of the boxes are dragged over to the window, and as Ollie hands Linus one crock pot after the other, Linus begins to drop them onto the heads of the dealers! One and then several of them are taken out by Linus's crock pots.]
LINUS: Tally ho!
1ST DEALER: Ouch! Ouch! Hey, cut it out! Who is that up there?!
LINUS [shouting down at him]: Shut up!
2ND DEALER: You morons! Watch out!
[The hail of crock pots causes the hoodlums to scramble and run for cover.]
OLLIE: This is fun!
LINUS [smiling]: I know! I know!
1ST DEALER: Retreat! Everyone, get in there after them! [The remaining hoods duck into the building and start to ascend the stairs towards the source of the falling crock pots.]
OCELOT: Linus, we'd better find a place to hide, and fast!
LINUS: Hey Simon, how many are there left?
SIMON: I do realize no more than a score that remain.
OLLIE: Let's go upstairs!
[They make a cursory search of some of the rooms, and then head up to the top level. There they prepare to make their stand.]
MARCUS: Hey, Linus, these rooms are loaded with things we could use to lay traps: old magazines, cases of sauerkraut, bookends, rubber mice and a whole buncha other stuff!
LINUS: Good! We'll get some of it, and use it to put one over on these fiends.
[A few minutes after, the hoods reach the fifth floor, led by the First Dealer. They look around frantically for the kids, who are nowhere to be found. Finally they enter the last room of their search, where a surprise awaits them: upon entering, they are felled by a tripwire made of unwaxed dental floss strung across the doorway.]
OCELOT: Banzai! That is to say, banzai! I mean, BANZAI!
IBUPROFEN: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!....
SIMON: Haha! Have at you, knaves! Accursèd rascals! Three-fisted, hundred-pound eaters of broken meats! I'll show you what for!
[Linus and the rest fall on the crooks, taking their guns away and throwing them out the window.]
LINUS: And now, we'll glue skis all over them to make sure they can't escape!
[They do this, and then stand and admire their handiwork.]
3RD DEALER: You'll never get away with this, savages! I'll—ohhhh....
[He is knocked unconcious by something that has hit him in the head. They all bend down and see that it is Ollie's frisbee.]
OLLIE: Eh? I guess "savages" was it, then!
4TH DEALER: Hey, look what you did to Joey! We're gonna get you guys!
MARCUS: Ha! We're not afraid of you, you bird-brained monkey's uncles!
SIMON: This was vile work indeed. But ere we all are safely without, I shan't be contented.
LINUS: Ditto. Let's all get out of here!
[But from nowhere steps the First Dealer.]
1ST DEALER: Ah! But you still have me to contend with, man!
4TH DEALER: Hey! It's a good thing you got here! Now let's get these--
[But the First Dealer tosses the ski-covered bundle of crooks out the window. He then turns and addresses the kids.]
1ST DEALER: No. This is between you kids and me.
LINUS: Um, guys...
[But from the very same nowhere from which the First Dealer stepped steps Eldridge, who has followed them all the way here.]
ELDRIDGE: Nay! Thou shan't cross swords wi' anyone but the best, Macbain!
SIMON: Father!
1ST DEALER [in shock]: Eldridge! You live! [From his side, he draws a two-handed broadsword.]
ELDRIDGE: That is an end of my will to survive, Macbain! When thou laid thine eyes last on me, I was in the dungeons of Oslo, whence thou tossed me to eliminate thy contention for the Title! But my desire to get revenge on thee gave me will to live, and I sustained myself on rats and cast-off lemon rinds. Merchants on their trade route pulled me up, and I was freed. [He unsheathes a sword at his side, and stands ready.] And now, here I am, ready to exact revenge upon ye. En guarde!
[They face off, and engage in a sword duel. They go back and forth, neither able to gain an advantage, until finally both are wounded and fall to the floor.]
1ST DEALER: So, this is how it ends. Events have come full circle, man. Ouch! [He dies.]
SIMON: Father! Address me, father!
LINUS: Mr. Eldridge, just hang on, we're calling the paramedics.
ELDRIDGE: Nay, noble lad, my time is come. Simon, the family honor is thine. Wear it well, and prithee use it better than I. O, pain! O! O! [He dies.]
SIMON [with a tear in his eye]: I shall serve the family well, m'lord, and keep the Eldridge fire alight.
LINUS: Simon, we don't have time to drag him out of here. This place is about to blow!
[They leave Eldridge's body and run out of the room just as a cave-in of flaming beams destroys the room. They begin to descend, avoiding the fire to the best of their ability, and dodging burning ceiling joists that randomly fall to the floor. As they are escaping the building on its verge of collapse, however, the Second Dealer, who has all the time been waiting outside and who hid in the bushes outside when he was alerted by the commotion upstairs, leaps out and begins to chase the teens and dog.]
2ND DEALER: You little cretins! I'll get you all for what you've done!
[As they get around the block from the building, it explodes in a huge, brilliant column of lava. He pursues them for blocks, never close enough to shoot, but gaining all the same, and dodging the lava flow. They run, gasping for breath, without knowing where to go. It seems hopeless.]
OCELOT [panting]: Oh, woe, woe is us! Guys, what do we do now?
LINUS [with a sudden gleam in his eye]: I know: we'll run to my house!
[They do just that. They run, with the hulking criminal in close pursuit, until at last they reach Linus's house, and burst inside, where they find his mother, who is taken all aback.]
MOM: HEY! Can't you people see I'm trying to watch "Nut Clusters of Gustav"?
LINUS: Mom! There's this great big ol' drug dealer trying to beat us up, or something!
OCELOT: I tried to tell you guys this wasn't a good idea.
MARCUS: My cowlick is all a-tingle!
OLLIE: This guy was aiming a can of Crisco at us!
MOM: Now what's this, Pete?
LINUS: It's him, Mommy! [The huge man rips open the door, and is shocked to find Linus's mother towering over him.] He startled us!
2ND DEALER: Hey look, lady, I was--
MOM: Look you, I'm a retired middle-aged woman. I have no job, no friends to speak of, and no prospects, and in truth I'll probably have to sell my son Cameron off just to pay next month's bills. And to top it all off, I have a hair on my tongue! So I don't know who you think you are, but I want you to get out of my Fucking HOME!!!!!
[The huge man cowers and then yells and runs away whimpering and licking his shoulder. They all cheer, and shower praise upon Linus's mother. They then call the police, and a half hour later, the entire ring is arrested and brought to the police station. Everyone breaths a sigh of relief, glad that the whole thing is over.]
LINUS: Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry I disobeyed you!
MOM: It's okay, Gilligan, as long as you're safe. Are you all right?
LINUS: Well, my head was dashed apart, but I'm okay now. How are you guys?
SIMON: I feel--
LINUS: Shut the hell up, Simon! [then, to the ocelot:] What about you?
OCELOT: Oh, I'm just fine, now that your mom's here. [She looks at him, and their eyes meet for the first time.] Just... fine.
SIMON: Marcus, my companion! Thou sop'st such as water fowl dare not! In what manner didst such a vile mishap thee befall?
MARCUS: I either fell in a huge puddle or got sprayed with a water gun; I don't remember which. But I'm fine.
LINUS: Well, great then! Anyone for a game of "Sorry"? [Scene fades out.]
[The scene: a decorated gardens-area. The occasion is a joint ceremony: Linus's mother and the ocelot are getting married, and the couple is adopting Ollie, making Ollie Linus's half-brother. Also being wedded are Marcus and Lady Eldridge, Simon's widowed mother, making Marcus Simon's stepfather. Two large groups are gathered, seated facing each other with a platform in the center on which a Preist stands. Each group is split down the middle by an aisle that ends at the platform. The ocelot and Mrs. Gravy are facing the priest in front of one group (which includes Linus and Ollie), while Marcus and Lady Eldridge face his back, in front of the second group (which includes Simon and Ibuprofen, who is barking his approval). The people on the side of this group to the right of the aisle are dressed in Elizabethan-style leather and cloth, with some in full suits of armor and several banners visible.]
PREIST: I now pronounce you man and wife. [Turns around.] I now pronounce you man and wife.
[Cheers go up from both crowds, and a Social Worker steps forth.]
SOCIAL WORKER [handing Mrs. Gravy a sheaf of papers]: And Olfactory is now your official adopted son. Congratulations! [applause]
LINUS: Well, things really have worked out for everyone. And just think, Mom: if it weren't for my rebellious streak, you two would never have met.
MOM: Yes, Linus, I have learned a valuable lesson from all this. And that message is: "Before you sell the muffler store, just be sure to dig two graves."
[Meanwhile, the platform has been moved, and the two crowds are beginning to mix and talk and laugh and have fun. Ollie walks over to Marcus and his new bride.]
OLLIE: Congratulat-- [Just then he sees Lady Eldridge, and his eyes open wide.] Fiona?!
LADY ELDRIDGE: Olfactory! [They embrace.] Where's thy mother?
OLLIE [with a sad look, and after a slight pause]: Mother died three years ago.
LADY ELDRIDGE: Lana is dead? [Begins to cry.] How can this be? I ne'er sent her with a full heart!
[Meanwhile, the other couple and Linus approach to exchange congratulations with Marcus and Simon's mother.]
MARCUS: You two know each other?
LADY ELDRIDGE [between sobs]: Alas, Lana was my sister! My maiden's name was Ransom.
MARCUS: Then...that makes Ollie my stepnephew...and Linus my half-stepnephew... And that means that Mrs. Gravy is my half-stepsister and-- [turning to the ocelot] You're my half-stepstepbrother!
OCELOT: My own flesh and blood!
[They embrace, and everyone else follows, meeting for not quite the first time their new relatives.]
OLLIE: Wow! Now we're just one big happy can of Crisco.
[Everyone laughs except Lady Eldridge, and the scene fades.]
[The scene: the Gravy house, a couple of years later. Linus, now a Senior, is sitting in the living room with his mother, the ocelot, Marcus, and Lady Eldridge.]
LINUS: Hey Dad, might you please pass the Communism?
OCELOT: Why, certainly, Linus! Say, dear, do you remember that Halloween night a few years back?
MOM: Not really. Say, isn't that new movie "I, Envelope" on HBO tonight?
MARCUS: That it is, Lady. But I'd really rather watch "Christopher Columbus Loses His Virginity" on USA.
LADY ELDRIDGE: Ah, dear, thou hast an enviable flavor for excellent programming.
MOM [to Marcus]: You, sir, have the straightest clavicles I've ever seen. But then, you knew that already!
[They all laugh, and the scene fades.]
AJT
7/10/93
1/4/94
4/12/94
5/7/94
Converted to HTML 12/10/96